Meeting New Men As a Single Mother

meeting, called her at three o’clock in the morning (to say “Good

Morning”?); the second (also after the first meeting) said that

the thought that she has a small child didn’t exactly thrill him.

The third called her “Hot mama” and said that she has “a

ready-made family, just add some water.” It is clear that she gave

up on these men quickly and for good.

Some men, especially those who don’t know what fatherhood is,

are scared when confronted by a reality where toys and diapers reign.

“I would like to have the kind of man for whom going to a café

or to the movies with my child is not work,” says Sandra. “For

me, my child is my first priority. I hardly have time for dating.”

Unfortunately, not everybody is able to understand that. “To be

a single mother and a woman is like having a split personality,”

thinks Susan, a 33-year-old nurse. “90% of time I am a mother to

my little daughter, and the other 10% I can spend on myself and talking

to interesting people. And that’s enough to make you feel like you’re

20! At first, I worried when I would to out on a date or to a party, but

then I thought, “Wow, it’s so cool! I can relax and forget

troubles. It’s a little bit strange when you’re dating and

you’re a mother. But you have to understand that you’re not

only a mother, but also a human being! And dating gives me back the self-confidence

I lost after the divorce.” By the way, meeting a man is not Susan’s

main goal. “So many times, men have wanted to have a serious relationship

with me. But I wasn’t in a hurry. I didn’t want to find a

new husband immediately. I was concentrating on my work and my family

and I was all right,” Susan tells us. Now she has found a very serious

candidate for her hand and her heart.

She is only sorry that she let one of her admirers come into her house.

Six months after the divorce, she fell in love and introduced the man

to her daughter. In time, the relationship ended and the daughter, who

had started to like him, always asked where was he and why he wasn’t

coming back.

When 30-year-old Karen divorced her husband, her son, Bob, was only

a year old. At first, she allowed the men she dated to follow her and

her son during walks in the park or invited them to her house. “Soon,

I understood that I shouldn’t do that. All of them felt obliged

to show their parenting skills. One of them even started to correct my

son’s reading and I didn’t like that. The upshot is that we

were playing a game, pretending to be a family, but the reality was very

poor.”

Men can only talk about how they like dating a single mother. As a matter

of fact, not all single men feel very comfortable in the role of the father

of the ready-made son. When a 35-year old fireman, Tom, started dating

a 33-year-old Anna, the manager of a supermarket, he couldn’t adjust

to the schedule of her son, Philip. That’s why Anna met him only

when Philip was with his own father. But, on the other hand, Tom liked

that Anna appreciated her family. “I didn’t want to make my

son and sweetheart hug each other,” Anna says, recalling the situation.

“I tried to have them talk to each other, to make them closer, taking

into consideration that Philip’s father is still involved in his

son’s life.”

As time went by, the two men in Anna’s family became friends.

But there soon appeared another problem for Anna; meeting Tom’s

parents. Anna was nervous -- how would they treat son? But her anxiety

was groundless -- Tom’s parents were very kind to her and Philip.

Not long ago, Tom and Anna were married.

Thinking about your children:

Don’t

try to combine your private life with your family life: there can be a

lot of unpleasant consequences. That’s why you should:

• Introduce your friend to your children only if it is necessary.

  Children can become very attached and will feel abandoned if your relationship

  ends. Some children will experience a lot of pain each time they go

  through this loss.

• Don’t discuss your private life with your children.

  At first, introduce your new man to them as a friend. This way, you

  won’t make the child angry, jealous and won’t make him strike

  out in anger.

• Take into consideration the age of your children. You don’t

  have to introduce your new man to very young children. They don’t

  understand what a date is, but they can worry about whether this new

  man is their future father. And they will see this man taking their

  mother from them. Older children are able to understand that their mother

  
  
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