A Special Kind of Mammal
If you look at works devoted to mammals, you will find a noticeable gap. No research work mentions a special but, nevertheless, quite widespread kind of mammal – husbands.
In this small article, I try to make up for this lack using a great
variety of sources – from the Bible to the Darwin’s theory.
But most of all I am thankful to my own observations and my female friends’
experiences, as each of us has kept such specimens at home for several
The origin of the husband:
The mammal “husband” comes from the man in love. Being in love is just a temporary, transient condition and is gone when the man transforms into the husband.
Symptoms of falling in love:
The man gives flowers and perfumes, looks long and with tenderness and, finally, behaves very sentimentally. All this you can see in spring, looking at thrushes that sing their love songs. But the main feature of being in love is the man’s desire to become a husband. The day he realizes his wish, he wraps himself in a black cocoon (scientifically, “wedding suit”) and utters a vague, trembling sound that slightly resembles the word “yes”. After this day comes a period when the husband still buys flowers (much more rarely, of course), but brings them in his pocket or in a case. It can be explained by residual effects of the excited brain activity because of the past period of being in love. As time goes by, the brain calms down and it means that the transformation of the man in love into the husband is completely finished. Instead of flowers and perfumes, he brings cleanser and beer.
In the morning, just waking up, he is surprised that the tea is so hot. It testifies to his weak knowledge of the laws of physics, as he evidently doesn’t even suspect that water boils at 100 degrees no matter if anybody hurries to work or not. Further, he grouses because he cannot find a clean handkerchief. At such moments he is dangerous, and I would advise you not to bother him. Then he leaves for work. And even though husbands have done this for hundreds of years, they regard it as a heroic act and insist on their wives’ respect for this.
At home, he watches TV almost all the time and lies on the sofa covering his face with a newspaper. His behavior changes dramatically when he meets other representatives of the same kind. All husbands go, scientifically speaking, “to whip off”. In this case the husband becomes gay and even vehement.
Sometimes you can see your husband looking at you with a long, thoughtful look. Experiments have proven that at these moments he reflects upon how much better he felt before he was married and how much better his mum cooks than you.
The husband’s resistance to diseases:
According to prolonged observations, the same does not exist. Though
this mammal boasts of his strong figure, observations show that such trifling disease as a cold troubles him so much that he begins making inquiries about the crematorium schedule. A steadier specimen starts preparing for a funeral ceremony; in any case he goes to bed and stays there all day long moaning and groaning.
A toothache is the most terrible catastrophe for this species. A relatively inert specimen asks you to give him anesthesia for the whole upper part of his body. A more energetic one is able to bite a doctor with his last healthy teeth.
Does the husband give profit?
If the husband is tame, carefully and patiently brought up, from time to time he gives some profit. We can use him for washing dishes, opening cans and sometimes we have a chance to make him dust in the places that we cannot reach. He is partially good at shopping, but he is able to buy, at most, three or four things because to remember a longer list is beyond him.
However, the obstinate kind refuses to discharge these simple functions because, in his view, it does not deserve his attention. This kind of a husband is totally useless and unprofitable.
Why do we, in fact, keep the husband at home?
From what I’ve stated above, it is clear that we keep the husband at home not at all because of profit, as it hardly exists, and not for entertainment since, as a source of fun, he cannot compete even with the sleepiest canary.
Why, then, do we press towards getting hold of at least one specimen of the husband? It is very easy to explain – because we love them.
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