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Eliminating Favorites Within Your Family.

My family life developed just fine at first: my husband and I understood each other from a half-word and lived amicably together. Soon Kohlja was born - quiet, tender, and appeasable by nature. From the first day he slept well. He started to smile and to laugh early. It’s no wonder that in two years we have decided to give birth to a second child. After my second pregnancy, my husband came home from work late and told me that he was very tired. After a couple days of confinement, my husband often ran to the baby carriage to admire Tema. But in two weeks he behaved as if he had forgotten about the younger son’s existence. He came from work and went straight to Kohlja. He played with him, but he never set a foot near Tema. I asked him directly what the matter was. He answered that he worried about Kohlja: he was afraid that the elder son would begin to be jealous, would feel himself unwanted, and would begin to look at his little brother as at a rival.

 


















We had a long discussion and decided that our attention was necessary for both of the sons, and my husband promised to be closer to the child. He did not keep the promise. Tema was growing, and our family problems grew with him. He is more emotional by nature than Kohlja -- more obstinate and restless. To tell the truth, I find a lot of similarity to his father in him; a person who is vigorous, active, emotional, quick-tempered and obstinate. In a word, Tema is more like his father. But his father does not have enough patience to cope with ??ma’s attacks of obstinacy and naughtiness. My husband began to be irritated and to shout easily at him.

 

I have to face the truth: two sons – one favorite and one unloved -- are growing up with us. Sergey refuses to admit that he loves Kohlja more than Tema. He tells me that Tema is impudent and rebellious, that he as the father is constantly compelled to show his authority and force so that Tema won’t get out of hand. The atmosphere at home has become tense and difficult.

 

I shall tell you a secret: I, too, do not treat my sons equally. It is easier and more cheerful for me to deal with Kohlja, but I feel pity towards Tema and I try to caress him more. But I feel that it is wrong. They say that with each child a new love is born. Why, in our case, has the new love turned out so dramatic that it has broken the world of the house? Is it possible to somehow help our family?”

 

Mary Brown, New-York

 

"The new member of the family causes rough and complex experiences.”

 

With each new child, the new scale of feelings of love is born. The new member of the family causes rough and sometimes unexpected experiences. Galina has very precisely noted that during the first pregnancy her husband was more attentive to her and at night he got up to help with the child. Novelty of parental feelings, novel sensations, pride of his own paternity -- all this spurred him on.

 

The second child is born on a background of daily cares of the first-born. Therefore, parents cannot entirely enjoy the anticipation of the future addition as selflessly as it occurred the first time. Later, they very often find out with horror that one of the children causes really hot and tender feelings in them, whereas another causes love mixed with irritation or anger. They try to find any defect in themselves and start to feel guilty. And Galina admits that in every possible way she tries to compensate fatherly coldness and sharpness by excessive kindness and connivance.

 

The matter is that, on the whim of nature, the other child has inherited better qualities of his mum and daddy, and each contact with him flatters their vanity. Nature has presented another child with properties which they in themselves, or in the partner, do not love (we can tell its obstinacy, irritability, shyness). Looking at such a child, parents see it as they would their reflection in a curved mirror, and having seen in it the unpleasant features they blow off the anger on the child.

 

Those parents who are happy not only accept with gratitude all set of qualities with which their kid has come to the world, but also easily direct the development of the child so that each of his qualities finds positive embodiment. The same obstinacy can become persistence and aspiration to achievement of the purpose. Playfulness = creative activity. Impudence = courage. Shyness = thoughtful attitude to people and events. Pensiveness = an artistic gift.
Each little person is unique, so our attitude to him or her should be unique. Galina’s husband should admit to himself that it is easier for him to deal with the senior child. It’s high time to admit that behind his opposition with the younger son, the fear of defeat is concealed.

 

As soon as Galina’s husband starts to cope easily and benevolently





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