When you start a family with a man you love, you do not only get a new status, but some new family members as well. It can turn out that among these new family members will be a child – a child from your new husband’s previous marriage…
“I don’t know what to do! This is my husband’s second marriage - we have a great family and a daughter. The problem is that he has another child – a son from the 1st marriage. He’s a nice kid, but I can’t stand seeing him – I get very jealous! I want my husband to spend more time with our Nelly, but instead he always drives his son to school and goes to see his football games. I try not to mention this to my husband in order not to offend him, but the only thing I dream about is to see his wife and his son moving far away forever. What should I do?”
This message appeared on one of the “mother” forums. Some mothers gave the following pieces of advice, “I told him: you must choose between me and your son!”, “Do not let him do that, or one day he will bring home not only his son, but his son’s mommy as well!”. It’s clear some women think that such a situation is very dangerous – the child is practically an alien sent to your house by The Ex-Wife to make your life look like hell. Other mothers advised to be nice to the boy. “He’s just a child, and you shouldn’t blame him for what has happened. You may also become good friends in the future. And your husband will praise you for having such a positive attitude toward his son”.
The rest of the women turned out to be those “ex-wives” (the smallest group). They reasonably stated that they had kids with these men, so why would they try to avoid their parental duties? Anyway, the message caused a hot discussion.
“Daddy, who is that woman?”
So, his first marriage came to its end, he started a new family, and his wife might have done it as well. Adults, at least, know what they want from their lives, but the poor child can only play a passive part: he or she watches the family falling apart. The child’s world is breaking into pieces – the same world where he or she was born and grew up. Dad and mom are trying to split the child: who’s going to meet the child after school and how many times? Who’s house are they going to bring the child into? Who’s taking him or her to the circus, and who’s bringing the child to music school?
Finally everything is set. According to the schedule, dad is taking the happy child for the whole weekend. Mommy agrees…but what is happening in the boy’s heart? Of course, there’s always a subconscious dream: “What if they make up and everything will be just like before?”
But that doesn’t happen. The child enters a new house where a nervous woman fusses around her own baby (who’s always whining and crawling) and doesn’t pay attention to anybody else. The child spends 2 everlasting days in the flat, afraid to say anything wrong or even to ask for an extra piece of toast. He or she only laughs, plays, and talks when Daddy finds some free time. And the child is dying to talk! He or she wants to know where their previous, happy life has gone.
And Daddy? He suffers even more than the child! That’s why, when having your husband’s child at your place, be nice and show him that you accept his child as well. It’s also important to know that when you don’t have children of your own, your husband will judge your talent with kids based on how you treat his.
Of course it’s more than difficult to establish a relationship with a child who’s not your own. A lack of desire is what makes it almost impossible. It should be done slowly and step-by-step. Surely everything would be much easier if the child simply liked you from the very beginning, but kids, as a rule, are either very quiet or very exuberant. Some withdraw into themselves – for example, boys fight a lot and become very aggressive. Try to find the right approach to such a bully!
A Happy Ending
But if you are willing to make the contact and become friends with the child, nothing can stand in your way. This is similar to what happened with Natalie. Today, she has 3 kids. Mary is the youngest (6 months). And then there is Mathew – her husband’s son from the first marriage.
Natalie, 30, housewife.
“When I first saw Mathew, he was only 8. At that age, you
hardly realize how deep your psychological problems are. You are just
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